the end of an old or the start of a new chapter..?

Wow, what a way to go! yesterday was not one of my best days in the world, but no need for explanation, just know it wasn't "the best". I was tired all day and at work I was in a daze, not just from physical faigue, but from emotional and mental also. i've been super-busy with studies because I just started going back to school this fall, but i expected "school-stress". there's a part of my brain that i had already trained to get ready for it. I knew working while in school was going to be really difficult as well, but again, I had already trained my brain to get ready for it. With just those 2 things in mind, i was set on moving forward and doing what i have to do to get through this. I felt I had all the support I needed. what I didn't expect was the support that I wanted. I've been dating this girl for a really long time and out of nowhere I feel as though she's just not that "important" in my life like she used to be. so, with that said, while at work I was in a daze just going through the motions because I could not help but think how much life is sucking just thinking of what I'm thinking. I went to bed wondering "is this it"? well apparently it was....I woke up this morning just running some errands and then it hit me "this can't go any further" I hurt inside just saying it to myself. well, we got together to talk about "us" and what turned out to be what used to be "us" is now "me" and "her". we broke it off..:/ now all i have left is pain, but it's just day 1.

win or lose?

"You don't know what you've got till it's gone." a quote many know. this could mean anything; a person, place, or thing. so far, the most important one to me is the personn part. i think i have a problem. I believe that i'm really good at making friends, but i'm really bad at keeping them. I've been in college for some time now and i've met plenty of people. most i can consider my friends (at least i like to think so..lol), but it's the ones that i like to pull in close that are the problem. I don't really know what it is, but when i start to get really close to anyone, i end up losing them to something really stupid. maybe it's because i'm really honest about things, even though i try really hard to be nice about it. I mean, i don't go around telling people that they're ugly and stupid (even if i really want to...j/k).
I guess the worst part is feeling like i don't care. after putting in the time and effort of the friendship and letting it go just like that, makes me feel like...i don't know how that makes me feel...*humph*. Where do i find that answer? maybe someone will say, "you'll find it in your heart", pfft...how cliche? after the "fall apart" i wonder if i really lost something that i needed, or if i made the right decision to not care.
what is it like to not feel drama? i think i might have felt that for probably about a month after i broke up with my last girlfriend, but then something else had to come up and let drama just bite me in the butt again...ugh.
now, drama just gets worse! i mean, you think you know someone and then when you think you've got it right...BAMM!!! they do a total 180 on you and just like that...another friendship gone with the wind. I think i've had too many of these experiences. and though i know that others have it worse than i do, i still think it sucks!!
WHEN WILL THE DRAMA END? i'll let you know when/if it does.

thanks for listening,
Bruce

apologize-story time?

When is it too late to apologize? I ask a lot of question, i know. but i'm just one of them curious campers that needs to know things to keep his life on edge. blah to life, just blah. so again, when is it too late to apologize? I mean, i've done some things in the past that i've not yet confront the other party about and when i think about some of those things i feel like i was the jerk in the situation. so is it too late when...we've forgot about it and moved on...we just changed the subject...when something else bad happened to the other party? see i'm not quite sure, which is why i'm asking.
So i text this one girl that i became friends with during the summer. now we're not best of friends or anything like that, but we were able to get along. so i texted her a random question about love in her perspective. I can't remember word-for-word, but it went something like "do you find yourself looking for love or waiting for love?" well i didn't get a response back, so i thought that maybe she fell asleep. so i had to see her during the weekend because we had to do a dance together and before everything started she seemed so distant from me and looked like she didn't even want to look at me. so I was like, "Huh?" because i thought we were getting along pretty well. so then during the dance she put on a front to make it seem like nothing was wrong, but i could tell because she was so distant for the first 2 hours then during our 5 minute dance she was smiling and dancing, which i guess is good for her because that means she's a good actress. then after everything was over everyone wanted to go out to eat. so, she was standing next to a few of her friends and i was talking amogst the others that were there. before i left with the people i was talking to i decided to invite her and the others along for food. well the others said "yes" right away, but she seemed a bit hesitant....then, all of a sudden she just bursts out and says "Were you really sending me those creepy texts the other night?" I was like "Oh s#*t!" in my head, of course. so, i say "Yeah, why?" with a discouraged look on my face. She says "Well it scared the crap out of me. you really creeped me out there!" and mind you that this was in front of about 5 other people. i was so embarassed, but i was quick to thinking and said, "Oh well i just saw it in a magazine the other day and thought i'd ask some people what they thought of it." She said "Well don't ever do that stuff again!" I was kinda said after that because i felt as if my balls just got handed to me (gross!), but they all came out to eat with us after that and i ended up having to sit by her. at first, it was uncofortable, but as soon as i had some beer in the system it was clear sailing for me because i totally forgot about what happened.
Now what if i never came up with that excuse for the text? what if that "apology" didn't happen at that time? would it be too late to make anything right to keep a friendship? i mean, this was about 3 months ago and i don't see her anymore, except on group occasions. so when would it be too late to apologize in this situation?
this wasn't the only instance that i thought about apologizing at the right moment, but, in general, when is it too late to apologize?
when you have an answer let me know, okay? other than that...
thanks for listening.

-Bruce

story time-"what is love?"

So I got to thinking the other day the very same question that I've asked myself at least, 3 or 4 times. and i know i've asked it to many of the people in my past and present. "What is love?" So I get this call the other day and it's from a good friend of mine. she sounded rather peculiar. her voice was shaking, but not trembling. very voice was loud, but she wasn't shouting. I was like, "slow down, please!" quickly she apologized and restarted. she tells me "I'm getting married!" I was shocked, but happy for her at the same time. "How did it happen?" I asked. apparently, he asked her in the middle of the night at a beach somewhere that i can't actually remember at the time...haha some friend i am. well, i guess the reason i was shocked was because I used to date her. funny, right? in my eyes i kinda felt like she was finally out of my reach. and in a way i held a little resentment towards the guy, even though i don't really know him. i knew everything was fine though because the feeling passed within a few minutes. that's when the "i'm happy for you" phrase finally came into play. I felt then, what we like to call peaceful. reason being that she used to be head-over-heals for me, and believe-you-me it wasn't a pretty sight at the end of our era.
so a few days passed and i started thinking again...(cursed brain waves)
well, i'm dating this one girl and she's great!!! she puts some excitement in my life, for the most part. we go out one night and after, what feels like forever, she proposed to me the "L" word. yeah, she told me she loves me. I was, again, in shock!! I didn't say it back. and i felt kinda bad, but i don't want to say these things just because she said it. I thought i was in love once maybe twice in my life, but both of those times ended up disasterous. it traumatized me to the point where i felt as if i was never going to feel that way again.
so that night, i went home and pondered about it. i asked myself that question "what is love?" meaning, do i really love her? took me awhile to answer it, but i thought about it enough to realize maybe i do. so then came a time where i thought it was the best time to say it. I was scared and almost didn't tell her, but something just clicked and BOOM! it came out. "I love you." she couldn't stop smiling at me and I couldn't help, but to think, "ok, now what?" haha, yah it was funny, but seriously i felt so nervous. since then, i use it sparingly just because i don't want to overdo it, but i guess you can say that i use it when it really counts.
so back to the beginning, "What is love?" apparently, i can't really put it into words right now, but the girl that just got married told me and maybe i'll share it with you all another day.
gotta get some rest now. maybe next time i'll have an answer for you in my own words too.
thanks again for listening.

long time running

so I've been out for awhile thinking about my past, present and future. It feels as if time just goes by without warning. yeah, i know, that's what it's supposed to do, but I don't understand why i haven't been able to keep myself clear. I wish I could just stop time every now and then just to find out what i'm really missing. it could be something just down the road. it could be something 1,000 miles across the world, either way, i don't know what's going on. i feel as if i'm just going through the motions...

when i go to class i feel so different, which makes it so hard to comunicate to the others. when I'm at work I feel as if people hate the way i do my job. though that may give me the inspiration to do better i still feel like an outcast.

when i'm at home i feel so alone because i trap myself in my room when i'm there because no one is ever home (well at least no one i feel like talking to). I think that is great that i have a good relationship with my mom because at least for that moment i feel like a kid again.

I've been told that I'm like a "protector". meaning i deal with everyone else's problems and shoe away bad drama (as if there is good drama). but like i've heard, "If i'm going around protecting everyone all the time, who's going to come and protect me?" I feel as if right now in my life, it wouldn't hurt to be protected...haha. maybe, hopefully, sooner than late my guardian angel will come out of the blue and save what needs to be saved.

that's my rant for now because I need some sleep.
thanks for listening.